Friday, 27th May

Here I pass to you a dillema.

After MRI's, CTS's X-Rays Sonogragrams and a most unpleasant procedure where these guys shoved a TV camera down my throat the good doctors have given me a choice

1. Do nothing, go back to Cairns Hospital And let the Leukemia take it's course and know I will live for 6-12 weeks
2. Stay here in Townsville and undergo the vicious chemical treatment that has just a 50% of killing me. Time frame not specified. During the time of the treatment I will be in loads of pain, in a poor state of mind, unable to speak. At the end of the treatment, if it is successful I go into remission (not cured) for and indeterminate amount of time. It is highly unlikely further treatment would be of any benefit

Which one would you choose and why. I really want to know

25th May

No extra news today.
I had a CT scan on the liver yesterday and 3 radiologists looked at it and all 3 had different opinions.
So now I go for the MRI scan. All this to find out what they already know is that my Leukimia is untreatable.

The only thing they won't say is how long I've got. At least, they're not saiyng that just yet. They want to keep me alive at the moment because I am an "interesting case" That will likely end once I cease to be an economic benefit

......
How do I feel about it all?
As I have already said. Dying does not bother me. I'd like to be fully awake and aware at the moment of death cause it only ever happens once (well to most people) and I like something new and interesting every day.

Day 7

Wonderful Day. Just peachy.
Noriko came to visit today. It was both wonderful and stressfull to see her. She was here when the doctors did their rounds this morning and asked them questions that I had never thought of. She stayed all day and we chatted about what we should do to keep life as normal as possible for the kids sake. We disagreed on some items and agreed on others. In all, I think I have a very good wife.

She was also here for the late briefing we got after the doctors checked a sonogram I had done on my liver earlier that day. This time, I would have preferred she had not been there, though I am grateful that she was.
It seems that I have a severe cirrhosis of the liver possibly caused by Hepatitis C which was most likely contracted through a back yard tatooist I went to when I was 15 years old.

This makes me more or less untreatable as the liver is needed to filter out the dead blood cells. If the liver don't work, the chemo don't work. If I don't get the chemo the leukemia kills me. All this has to be properly confirmed   which will be done by more scans on bigger machines.

Looks like I'm dead in 3 months or less.

Day 7

Bad night last night. Not feeling much like discussion.
problem is that they keep giving me fluids and I can't pee or shit. My stomach has become so bloated that i look like I'm pregnant with triplets. Hard to move around.
They want to make me swallow more pills but each pill feels like swallowing a football. So i refused ata first. So they stuck some stuff in the drip line to make me pee and that has been working, Now I can swallow their pills.
Very difficult to move around. very uncomfortable. A chest Xray this morning again. Another sonograrph on my belly tomorrow.
And I haven't even started the chemo yet.

Miss my wife. worry about the kids. I keep telling Nori to keep things as normal as possible for them. She wants to visit. I'd like that too but there is really nothing for her to do.
Hospital food is absolute crap. Had one slice of bread in the last 20 hours.

One of the nurses got me a Lipton Ice tea from the cafeteria. It was so nice I drank the lot and now I feel all bloated again. My fault.

There is 21 patients here. Most with the same problem I have. I never see any of them.

Enough for today. Sometimes dying might be the better option, especially the way I feel now. My sprirt is good though. I just tell myself I'm being a wussse

Day 6

Good morning.
I had a reasonable nights sleep and after the 4:am blood collection find myself wide awake. I am feeling much better in the mornings...

I have thought about my own mortality long before i came down with this disease. I decided a couple of years ago that if I found out I was to die within a short period of time then that was OK by me. I have had an interesting life, sampled the very bad and sampled the very good. I have travelled to many places, seen many of the worlds most wonderful things and have had many experiences, both good and bad.
Now I find myself in a situation where the fact is that my time alive may be limited I have asked myself the same question.
And I get the same answer.
I don't care if I die. With my life as it is (or was) I was producing nothing, making no differences to anyone and just battling along accumulating stuff.
Ahh I hear in your mind. What about your wife and children?

They will get along fine without me. Their mother is good and if I die then they are young enough not to be badly affected. However I do have my own selfish regrets here.
I will miss the watching them grow up. I do enjoy trying to give them a set of values that they may choose to live by but lets face it. Life and its opportunities create its own guidelines. Raising kids is fun. It is very hard work but it is the most challenging and rewarding job there is.

Enough for now

First Post and the rules

Hello everyone.
This is my first blog and I invite everyone to take part.
What I seek are views and opinions, not short little silly comments like "Hang in there mate" or drippy sad comments like I want to give you a big hug. Short or long posts telling me to trust in the lord will be deleted and the poster blocked, but if religion plays a part in your own illness I want to hear about that too.

This is kind of like a discussion forum on the thought process of people going through  a potential terminal or terminal illness. I want you to know what I am thinking & feeling on any given day. I hope to post daily, but sometimes this will not be possible. I want to hear your opinions on my thoughts, if you agree with what I am trying to explain or not. Humour is most welcome.

More details will come later but for now you should know that I have acute Leukimia and I am Townsville Hospital, 400 klms away from my family.
I have not asked anyone about the odds of recovery and at this early stage I will not ask. I'm more interested in my own thought processes about going through what will be a very, very long treatment and a longer recovery It should be fun.